4251. We need
to determine for ourselves how much we’ve allowed others to decide issues such
as what we do, where we live, with whom we live and even how we’re
treated. We must know that absolutely no
one else truly knows and feels what we’re here to accomplish, so we must give
ourselves permission to hear our inner guidance and ignore the pressure from
others. The willingness to listen and
act on our inspiration, independent of the opinions of others, is imperative;
4252. When we
begin to follow our ultimate calling, there will be a lot of resistance. However, as we gain the strength to ignore
the pressure to conform, resistance will diminish and ultimately change to
respect. When we steadfastly refuse to
think, act and conform to the mandates of others, the pressure to do so loses
its momentum. All we have to do is
endure some initial disapproval such as dogmatic persuasion, anger, pouting,
silence and long-winded lectures and then we’re on our way to inspiration rather
than frustration;
4253. The
people who receive the most approval in life are the ones who care the least
about it – so technically, if we want the approval of others, we need to stop
caring about it and turn our attention to becoming an inspired being of
sharing;
4254.
Attempting to do something, even if it doesn’t succeed, is inspiring
because we don’t tend to regret what we do, we regret what we didn’t do. Even following a futile attempt, we’re
inspired because we know that we gave it a shot. It’s wondering whether we should or shouldn’t
try something that leaves us feeling stressed and incomplete;
4255. Sometimes
the only way to move forward is to revisit the things in your past that were
holding you back. You have to deal with
them head on, no matter how scary they may be.
Because once you do, you’ll see that you can go further than you ever
imagined;
4256. We tend
to eventually despise whatever we make into our god. When our god fails to respond in the ways we
expect, we tend to respond in one of two ways.
We either blindly intensify our acts of worship or lash out in righteous
anger;
4257. “Nice
guys” have a difficult time comprehending that in general, people are not drawn
to perfection in others. People are
drawn to shared interests, shared problems and an individual’s life energy;
4258. Humans
connect with humans. Hiding one’s
humanity and trying to project an image of perfection makes a person vague,
slippery, lifeless and uninteresting;
4259. “Nice
guys” work so hard to be smooth so nothing can stick to them. Unfortunately, this Teflon coating also makes
it difficult for people to get close;
4260. It is
actually a person’s rough edges and human imperfections that give others
something to connect with;
4261. Taking
good care of the self is essential for changing one’s belief about the
self. If someone believes s/he isn’t
worth much, her/his actions toward herself/himself will reflect this
belief. When someone begins to
consciously do good things for herself/himself, these actions imply that s/he
must be worth something;
4262. Positive
affirmations can help change a person’s core belief about herself/himself. Affirmations replace old, inaccurate messages
about the person’s worth with new, more realistic ones. When used alone, the effects of affirmations
are usually short-lived. This is because
these messages are contrary to the oldest, deepest beliefs the person holds
about herself/himself. Affirmations are
only effective when used along with other processes that help change the
person’s core beliefs;
4263. The
following are some possible affirmations: 1.
I am lovable just as I am; 2. I
am perfectly imperfect; 3. My needs are
important; 4. I am a strong and powerful
person; 5. I can handle it; 6. People love and accept me just as I am;
7. It is OK to be human and make
mistakes; and 8. I am the only person I
have to please;
4264. If you
want to win Rémy Martin’s “The Heart of Cognac Experience’s” mixing lab
competition (to try and replicate Rémy Martin VSOP), try 6 ml of 4 year-old, 16
ml of 8 year-old and 8 ml of 14 year-old eaux de vie;
4265. The
7-Eleven chicken sandwich is decent. . . . It’s no Chick-fil-A, but it’ll do;
4266. All
cruelty springs from weakness;
4267. The true
sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination;
4268. “Nice
guys” are terrible receivers. Since
getting their needs met contradicts their childhood paradigms, nice guys are
extremely uncomfortable when they actually do get what they want. Though most nice guys have a difficult time
grasping this concept, they are terrified of getting what they really want and
will go to extreme measures to make sure they don’t. Nice guys carry out this unconscious agenda
by connecting with needy or unavailable people, operating from an unspoken
agenda, being unclear and indirect, pushing people away and sabotaging. A good illustration of this dynamic is the
way nice guys commonly try to get their sexual needs met. Many nice guys express a heightened interest
in sex, yet they frequently feel frustrated in their attempts to get these
needs met. This is usually because their
actions pretty much guarantee that they won’t get what they believe they want;
4269. “Nice
guys” have an uncanny knack of picking partners who, because of childhood sexual
abuse or other negative experiences with sex, tend to have a difficult time
being sexually expressive. When these
partners do make themselves available to be sexual, it is not uncommon for nice
guys to do something that further ensures that they don’t get their needs
met. The nice guy may respond by taking
control rather than letting the sexual experience unfold. He may focus on his partner’s sexual needs
before she has a chance to pay attention to him. He might start a fight by making a comment about
her weight or her past unavailability.
All of these strategies pretty much ensure that the nice guy won’t have
to experience the fear, shame or anxiety that might get triggered if he
actually allowed someone to focus on his needs;
4270. Imperfect
humans can only connect with other imperfect humans. Most folks tend to be attracted to
individuals who have some substance and sense of self. Chameleons usually don’t draw much of a crowd
or get many ovations;
4271. When a
child’s needs are not met in a timely, healthy manner, the child may come to
believe s/he is “bad” for having needs.
S/he may also think that it is her/his needs that cause people to hurt
her/him or abandon her/him. Typically
people respond to these inaccurate interpretations of their life events by
developing a number of survival mechanisms;
4272. For “nice
guys,” trying to become needless and wantless is a primary way of trying to
cope with their childhood abandonment experiences. Since it was when they had the most needs
that they felt the most abandoned, they believed it was their needs that drove
people away. These helpless little boys
concluded that if they could eliminate or hide all of their needs, then no one
would abandon them. They also convinced
themselves that if they didn’t have needs, it wouldn’t hurt so badly when the
needs weren’t met. Not only did they
learn early not to expect to get their needs met, but also that their very
survival seemed to depend on appearing not to have needs. This creates an unsolvable bind: these
helpless little boys could not totally repress their needs and stay alive and
they could not meet their needs on their own.
The only logical solution was to try to appear to be needless and
wantless while trying to get needs met in indirect and covert ways. As a result of these childhood survival
mechanisms, nice guys often believe it is a virtue to have few needs or
wants. Beneath this facade of
needlessness and wantlessness, all nice guys are actually extremely needy. Consequently, when they go about trying to
get their needs met, nice guys are frequently indirect, unclear, manipulative
and controlling;
4273. Ben’s
Chili Bowl is overrated;
4274. Life is not
smooth. Human existence is by nature
chaotic. Life is filled with experiences
that are unpredictable and beyond anyone’s control. Therefore, trying to create a predictable
life in which everything always goes as planned is an exercise in futility;
4275. Personal
power is a state of mind in which a person is confident s/he can handle whatever
may come. Personal power isn’t the
absence of fear. Even the most powerful
people have fear. Personal power is the
result of feeling fear, but not giving in to the fear;
4276. The most
important aspect of reclaiming personal power and getting what one wants in
love and life is surrender. Surrender
doesn’t mean giving up, it means letting go of what one can’t change and
changing what one can;
4277. Letting
go doesn’t mean not caring or not trying.
Letting go means letting be. It
is like opening up a tightly clenched fist and releasing the tension stored
inside. At first the fingers will want
to return to their former clenched position.
The hand almost has to be retrained to open up and relax. So it is with learning how to surrender and
let go;
4278. Pick one
area in your life in which you routinely feel frustrated or out of
control. Step back from the
situation. Is the difficulty you are
having with the situation the result of you trying to project the reality you
want to believe onto it? If you had to
accept the reality of this situation, how might you change your response to it?
4279. Your
feelings are just feelings, they won’t kill you. Regardless of whether a person is feeling
anxious, helpless, shameful, lonely, rageful or sad, her/his feelings aren’t
life-threatening;
4280. Feelings
are an integral part of human existence.
By learning the language of feelings, a person can begin to let go of a
lifetime of unnecessary baggage. As they
do, they experience a newfound energy, optimism, intimacy and zest for life;
4281. Some
guidelines about expressing feelings: 1.
Don’t focus on the other person (i.e., “You are making me mad.”). Instead, take responsibility for what you are
feeling (i.e., “I am feeling angry.”); 2.
Don’t use feeling words to describe what you are thinking (i.e., “I feel
like Joe was trying to take advantage of me.”).
Instead, pay attention to what you are experiencing in your body (i.e.,
“I’m feeling helpless and frightened.”); and 3.
In general, try to begin feeling statements with “I” rather than
“you.” Try to avoid the crutch of saying
“I feel like” (i.e., “I feel like you are being mean to me.”);
4282. Fear is a
normal part of human experience.
Everyone experiences fear, even those people who seem to be fearless. Healthy fear is a warning sign that danger
may be approaching. This is different
from the fear “nice guys” experience on a daily basis. For nice guys, fear is recorded at the
cellular level. It is a memory of every
seemingly life-threatening experience they ever had. It was born of a time of absolute dependency
and helplessness. It originated in not
having their needs met in a timely, judicious manner. It was fostered by fearful systems that
discouraged risk and rewarded conservatism.
It was heightened by the reality that life is messy and chaotic and any
kind of change promises a journey into the unknown (i.e., memory fear);
4283. As a
consequence of playing it safe, “nice guys” experience a lot of needless
suffering. Suffering because they avoid
new situations. Suffering because they
stay with the familiar. Suffering
because they procrastinate, avoid and fail to finish what they start. Suffering because they make a bad situation
worse by doing more of what has never worked in the past. Suffering because they expend so much energy
trying to control the uncontrollable;
4284. Facing
present day fears is the only way to overcome memory fear. Every time someone confronts a fear, s/he
unconsciously creates a belief that s/he can handle whatever it is s/he is
afraid of. This challenges her/his
memory fear. Challenging this memory
fear makes the things outside of her/him seem less threatening. As these things seem less frightening, s/he
feels more confident in confronting them.
The more this confidence grows, the less threatening life seems;
4285. List one
fear that has been controlling your life.
Once you decide to confront the fear, begin repeating to yourself, “I
can handle it. No matter what happens, I
will handle it.” Keep repeating this
mantra until you take action and stop feeling fear;
4286. When
people are learning to tell the truth I encourage them to pay attention to the
things they least want others to know, what they least want to reveal. These are the things they are most likely to
hold back – and the things they most need to tell;
4287. Telling
the truth is not a magic formula for having a smooth life, but living a life of
integrity is actually easier than living one built around deceit and
distortion;
4288. Choose
one area in which you have been out of integrity. Identify your fear that keeps you from
telling the truth or doing the right thing.
Then go and tell the truth or do what you have to do to make the
situation right. Tell yourself you can
handle it. Since telling the truth may
create a crisis for you or others, have faith that everyone involved will
survive this crisis;
4289. Before
you can start setting boundaries, you have to become aware of how much you back
up from your line to avoid conflict or to keep the peace. Observe yourself. Do you say “yes” when you would rather say
“no”? Do you agree to do something to
avoid conflict? Do you avoid doing
something because someone might get upset at you? Do you tolerate an intolerable situation,
hoping that it will just go away? Write
these observations down;
4290. Men born
after World War II had the misfortune of growing up during the only era of
recent western history in which it was not always a good thing to be male. This was primarily the result of two significant
family and social changes in the post war era: 1) boys were disconnected from
their fathers and other healthy male role models; and 2) boys were forced to
seek approval from women and accept a female definition of what it meant to be
male. As a result of these two dynamics,
many boys and men came to believe that they had to hide or eliminate any
negative male traits (like those of their fathers or other “bad” men) and
become what they believed women wanted them to be;
4291. Most
“nice guys” believe that by repressing the darker side of their masculine
energy they will win the approval of women.
This seems logical considering the anti-male climate that has permeated
our culture since the 1960s. Ironically,
these same men frequently complain that women seemed to be attracted to “jerks”
rather than nice guys like them. Many
women have shared that due to the absence of any discernible life energy in
nice guys, there is little to be attracted to.
They also reveal that their tendency to be attracted to “jerks” is
because these men have more of a masculine edge to them;
4292. As “nice
guys” try to avoid the dark side of their masculinity, they also repress many
other aspects of this male energy force.
As a result, they often lose their sexual assertiveness,
competitiveness, creativity, ego, thirst for experience, boisterousness,
exhibitionism and power;
4293. One of
the most visible consequences of the repression of masculine energy in “nice
guys” is their lack of leadership in their families. Out of fear of upsetting their partner or
appearing too much like their controlling, authoritarian or abusive fathers,
nice guys frequently fail to be the leader their family needs. Consequently, the job of leading the family
often falls on their wives. Most women
don’t want this job, but end up taking it by default;
4294. Women
view men who try to please them as weak and hold these men in contempt. Most women do not want a man who tries to
please them – they want a man who knows how to please himself. Women consistently share that they don’t want
a passive, pleasing wimp. They want a
man – someone with his balls still intact;
4295.
Masculinity denotes strength and power.
Because of their conditioning, “nice guys” tend to fear these
traits. As a result, they often become
emotionally and physically soft. Some
even take pride in this softness;
4296. Embracing
one’s masculinity means embracing one’s body, power and spaciousness. In order to do this, recovering “nice guys”
have to stop putting junk into their bodies and train them to respond to the
physical demands of being male. This
involves eating healthy foods, eliminating drugs and alcohol, working out,
drinking lots of water, playing, relaxing and getting enough rest. Whether the nice guy stays fit by running,
swimming, weight training, martial arts, playing basketball, volleyball or
tennis, this physical strength translates into self-confidence and power in
every other aspect of his life;
4297. Most
“nice guys” do not report having had a close relationship with their father in
childhood. Either their fathers were
passive, unavailable, absent or defined in some negative way. Reclaiming their masculinity requires that
nice guys examine their relationships with their fathers and take a look at
them through adult eyes;
4298. For “nice
guys,” reexamining their relationship with their fathers means seeing their
dads through their own eyes as they really are.
It means taking them out of the gutter or off the pedestal. This may require that nice guys hold them
accountable by expressing their feelings to them – including rage and
anger. This is essential, even if these
men are dead. Sometimes this takes place
in their fathers’ presence, sometimes not.
It’s not so important that the father is available to do this work. What is essential is that recovering nice
guys embrace the male heritage they and their fathers share. The goal is to find a way to view their
fathers more accurately. Recovering nice
guys can begin to accept these men for who they were and are – wounded human
beings. This shift is essential if nice
guys are going to view themselves more accurately, accept themselves for who
they are and reclaim their masculinity;
4299. Embracing
masculinity involves coming to see dad more accurately. To facilitate this process, create a
list. On the left side, list a number of
your father’s characteristics. Write the
opposite characteristic on the right side.
Indicate where on the spectrum between the two that you see yourself.
4300. When
recovering “nice guys” do this exercise they are often surprised at what they
discover about their fathers and themselves.
They often see how they have made their fathers into a caricature – a
distortion of who they really are. They
may realize that if the man they have become is based on a reaction to how they
saw their fathers, they too have become caricatures. Remember, the opposite of crazy is still
crazy. They realize that if their lives
are a reaction to dad, then dad is still in control. They discover that they can be different from
dad without being the opposite. They
often come to realize that they have more traits in common with their fathers
than they had previously realized or wanted to accept;
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