What I've learned since moving to D.C. (some of which should be obvious): 0182

9051.  Just because busyness works to keep you distracted that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea;

9052.  Just because you manage to keep scary emotions at bay (by being busy) that doesn’t mean it’s healthy, productive or in your best interest.  It doesn’t even mean it’s easier or less painful;

9053.  You can’t outrun your emotions.  Distraction is at best a temporary relief;

9054.  When we sweep our emotional struggles under the rug with constant busyness, it’s like taking out a loan.  You get a little breathing room for a while, but you’re paying interest.  And the interest rate on emotional loans is far higher than most people realize;

9055.  How many relationships suffer because one person is so busy and preoccupied that s/he can’t be truly present and available for her/his partner?

9056.  How many physical ailments are made worse by the wear and tear and constant stress that comes from always being busy?

9057.  How many genuinely exciting and interesting experiences are given up because we’re too afraid of giving up control over our tightly managed schedules that prevents any alone time with our own thoughts and feelings?

9058.  The real tragedy for people, who get in the habit of using busyness to distract themselves from their own thoughts and feelings, is they miss out on life;

9059.  People preoccupied with busyness spend their entire lives playing defense against an imaginary opponent; the opportunity cost of which is that they have no time or energy to play offense and really go after the things they truly love;

9060.  Your mind is not as scary a place as you imagine it to be.  Yes, it contains frightening thoughts and difficult feelings, but you’re underestimating your capacity to deal with those difficulties head one;

9061.  Many of us are in the habit of using overly intellectual ways to describe how we feel as a defense mechanism;

9062.  You have to be vulnerable to describe how you feel with plain emotional language.  And because most of us are afraid to be vulnerable with our feelings, we subtly avoid it by intellectualizing how we feel (e.g., transforming our emotions into ideas because ideas hurt less);

9063.  When we avoid our emotions, even with the language we use to describe them, we signal to our brains that those emotions are not just painful, but dangerous which means we train our brains to be afraid of being emotional;

9064.  By avoiding being vulnerable about how we actually feel, we make it hard for other people to help and support us because we’re hiding and obscuring how we feel;

9065.  The next time you’re experiencing painful emotions and someone asks you how you’re doing, think about it like this: What would an 8-year-old kid say?  How would they describe how they feel?

9066.  When we observe ourselves feeling bad and then judge ourselves as bad, weak or immoral for feeling that way, we add a second layer of painful emotion on top of the difficult feelings we were already feeling;

9067.  Pain is inevitable.  Suffering is optional;

9068.  When you operate under the assumption that every painful emotional experience is bad, you get yourself into all sorts of unconscious habits designed to get rid of those painful feelings.  Trying to avoid or get rid of your feelings is a losing battle.  You’re only increasing their frequency and intensity in the long-run;

9069.  If you want to develop a happier, healthier relationship with your emotions, remind yourself that just because a particular feeling feels bad that doesn’t mean it is bad or that you experiencing it is a bad sign;

9070.  Learn to accept your emotions even the painful ones.  You’ll still feel the pain, but you’ll save yourself a lot of suffering;

9071.  It’s ironic that so many of us are compassionate, understanding and gentle when faced with other people’s difficulties and emotional struggles, but, when faced with our own painful emotions, we tend to be judgmental, intolerant and harsh with ourselves when we’re struggling;

9072.  We’re (pretty) mean to ourselves at precisely the moments when we should be kind;

9073.  Your self-talk is largely a learned habit generally picked up from parents or caregivers early in life and then reinforced via friends and ourselves as we get older;

9074.  How we talk to ourselves is a habit nothing more nothing less;

9075.  If you’re in the habit of talking to yourself in a harsh, judgmental way (especially during times of emotional pain), you’re going to be fueling the flames and increasing your suffering;

9076.  Decades of psychological research has confirmed, how we feel emotionally is mediated by how we think and interpret the world around us.  How we habitually think (and talk) determines how we habitually feel;

9077.  A(n obvious) sign that your relationship with your emotions needs work is if your inner narrator is a jerk;

9078.  Realize that no matter what kinds of self-talk you’ve built up over the years, with practice, they’re changeable;

9079.  You can learn to be more compassionate and gentle in the way you talk to yourself and especially the way you talk to yourself about the way you feel;

9080.  When we’re upset, we need our inner voice to be a friend not a bully;

9081.  Another hallmark of an unhealthy relationship with your emotions is that you lack confidence in your ability to manage difficult emotions on your own;

9082.  While reassurance feels good temporarily (because it alleviates some painful emotion like anxiety or guilt), it easily slips into a vicious cycle of ever lower and lower confidence in one’s own ability to tolerate and manage difficult feelings and uncertainties;

9083.  Like most addictions, reassurance-seeking is a trade-off of our long-term happiness and health for short-term comfort and ease;

9084.  Instead of instantly calling your daughter/son to see if s/he made it home after her/his flight, wait 15 minutes and prove to yourself that you can live with your anxiety instead of instantly alleviating it with reassurance;

9085.  Rather than peppering your partner with questions about how s/he feels (in order to alleviate your anxiety), give her/him some space trusting that s/he will come to you if that’s what s/he wants or needs;

9086.  If you’re in the habit of putting things off in order to escape some unpleasant emotion(, the fear of disappointment is a common one,) it could indicate that you’re not very good at managing difficult emotions and doing what needs to be done anyway;

9087.  Motivation and confidence are feelings that result from doing worthwhile things.  They’re an effect not a prerequisite;

9088.  It’s possible to do difficult things while feeling anxious, embarrassed, angry or whatever;

9089.  Feeling good is nice, but it’s not a requirement for taking action;

9090.  You don’t need to eliminate painful emotions in order to live your life.  It’s only through living your life alongside all of your emotions that you learn to manage them effectively;

9091.  No matter how severe the emotional struggles, a person with a clear sense of values and desires tends to be quite successful overcoming his/her struggles.  It’s as if having a clear sense of your values and knowing what you want makes it a lot easier to work through any sort of challenge including emotional ones;

9092.  Not knowing what’s really important to you in life is a major emotional liability;

9093.  When your whole way of being in the world is oriented around not feeling bad and staying safe, identifying what you really want and pursuing it with energy and passion is a frighteningly foreign concept;

9094.  If you have a hard time identifying what’s really important to you (e.g., what your goals, dreams or passions are), it could be that it’s your relationship with your emotions that’s to blame;

9095.  If (on a basic level) your life revolves around avoiding emotional discomfort and staying safe from emotional pain, you wouldn’t have developed the “muscle” required to take life by the horns and really chase after what you want despite how you feel;

9096.  In order to develop this “muscle” for identifying and chasing after what you really want (e.g., for making a life and not just floating through it), you need a healthier relationship with your emotions especially the painful ones;

9097.  You’re never going to find the courage to do difficult but rewarding things if you’re terrified of anxiety or embarrassment;

9098.  You’re never going to reap the benefits of big risks if you assume you must feel confident beforehand;

9099.  If you’ve got that nagging sense that there must be more to life, figuring that out just might come down to cultivating a different relationship with your emotions;

9100.  By letting the tears flow, you are letting out what hurts while making more room in your heart for positive thoughts and feelings.  Expressing your pain is actually a good way to make it stop;