4301. The
American Bar Association reports that 89 percent of all divorces could be
traced to fights over money;
4302. A study
performed by Utah State University professor Jeffrey Dew found that couples who
reported disagreeing about finances once a week were over 30 percent more
likely to get divorced than couples who reported disagreeing about finances a
few times a month;
4303. The study
reported that of all the most common things couples fight about – including
chores, in-laws, spending time together and money – money disputes were the
best harbingers of divorce;
4304. Even
though “nice guys” often profess a deep desire to be intimately connected with
another individual, their internalized toxic shame and childhood survival
mechanisms make such connections difficult and problematic;
4305. Intimacy
(i.e., knowing the self, being known by another and knowing another) implies
vulnerability. Intimacy requires two
people who are willing to courageously look inward and make themselves totally
visible to another. Internalized toxic
shame makes this kind of exposure feel life-threatening for “nice guys;”
4306. Intimacy,
by its nature, would require the “nice guy” to look into the abyss of his most
inner self and allow others to peer into these same places. It would require him to let someone get close
enough to see into all the nooks and crannies of his soul. This terrifies nice guys because being known
means being found out. All nice guys
have worked their entire lives to become what they believe others want them to
be while trying to hide their perceived flaws.
The demands of intimacy represent everything nice guys fear most;
4307. The “nice
guy’s” ongoing attempt to hide his perceived badness makes intimacy a
challenge. The moment they enter a
relationship they begin a balancing act.
In relationships, a life-and-death struggle is played out to balance
their fear of vulnerability with their fear of isolation. Vulnerability means someone may get too close
to them and see how bad they are. Nice
guys are convinced that when others make this discovery, these people will hurt
them, shame them or leave them. The
alternative doesn’t seem any better.
Isolating themselves from others recreates the abandonment experiences
that were so terrifying in childhood;
4308. Even
though it may look like many of the problems “nice guys” experience in
relationships are caused by the baggage their partner brings with them, this is
not the case. It is the relationship the
he and his partner co-create that is the problem;
4309. It is
true that “nice guys” often pick partners who appear to be projects, and
indeed, they do at times pick some pretty messed up people. The fact that these partners may have
challenges – they are single moms, they have financial problems, they are
angry, addictive, depressed, overweight, non-sexual or unable to be faithful –
is precisely the reason nice guys invite these people into their lives. As long as attention is focused on the flaws
of the partner, it is diverted away from the internalized toxic shame of the
nice guy. This balancing act ensures
that his closest relationship will most likely be his least intimate;
4310. How do
you know you’re getting old? The answer
is: White underarm hair;
4311. Invest in
yourself. Imagine that you had a car and
that was the only car you’d have for your entire lifetime. Of course, you’d care for it well, changing
the oil more frequently than necessary, driving carefully, etc. Now, consider that you only have one mind and
one body. Prepare them for life, care
for them. You can enhance your mind over
time. A person’s main asset is
themselves, so preserve and enhance yourself;
4312. Learn to
be lovable. The most powerful force in
the world is unconditional love. To
horde it is a terrible mistake in life.
The more you try to give it away, the more you get it back. At an individual level, it’s important to
make sure that for the people that count to you, you count to them;
4313. Forget
the Joneses. You shouldn’t increase your
cost of living without improving your standard of living;
4314. Sometimes
spending is OK, too. There are benefits
to spending now. It is not always better
to save 10% than 5%, but definitely better than spending 105%;
4315. You are
not a better or worse person if you live differently from your neighbor;
4316. Don’t
spoil your kids. Give your kids enough
so they can do anything, but not so much that they can do nothing;
4317.
Communication is one of the greatest skills you can learn;
4318. Look at
everyone else’s mistakes – and don’t repeat them. The best thing is to learn from other guy’s
mistakes. General George S. Patton used
to say, “It’s an honor to die for your country; make sure the other guy gets
the honor;”
4319. Don’t
follow the pack. You need to divorce
your mind from the crowd. The herd
mentality causes all IQ’s to become paralyzed.
Smart doesn’t always equal rational.
To be a successful investor you must divorce yourself from the fears and
greed of the people around you, although it is almost impossible;
4320. Know what
you don’t know. There is nothing wrong
with a “know nothing” investor who realizes it.
The problem is when you are a “know nothing” investor, but you think you
know something;
4321. The only
person that is hurt when you harbor resentment is yourself. The person who you think wronged you,
continues on with their life, often none the wiser. So you have to stop hurting yourself and move
forward with a positive attitude;
4322. Luck may
play a role in life’s outcomes or some of them at least, but achievement is far
more frequently a result of effort, a consistent, daily investment of self. Life and success are about more than hanging
in there – they are about bringing your best fight to the fight, every time;
4323. Multiple
studies have proved that companies that show up in lists like Fortune’s “100
Best Companies to Work For” financially outperform those that don’t;
4324. When all
that you have been defined by ceases to be and you still know who you are and
like what you know – then you have truthfully succeeded;
4325. True
success can only be attained when everyone involved wins and there are no
losers in any way;
4326. You may
think no one is looking at your feet, but the correct stance can demonstrate
confidence. Standing with your feet too
close together can make you appear timid;
4327. As a
general rule of thumb, aim for a stance that’s in line with your hips and
shoulders. You want to have your feet
about a foot apart, pointing outward;
4328. Angling
your feet outward and in the direction of the person you’re speaking with shows
interest, trust and receptiveness, while a closed stance can convey
disinterest;
4329. Strong
eye contact is probably the single greatest indicator of confidence. If this is something you struggle with, try
looking at the other person’s eyes for two seconds, looking at their nose for
two seconds, looking at their mouth for two seconds and then looking at their
face as a whole for two seconds.
Continue this rotation throughout your conversation;
4330. The best
piece of advice for people who want to appear more confident is to focus on the
people they’re engaged with rather than worrying about how others perceive
them. The bottom line is be interested,
not interesting. Be more focused on the
other person and what message is being communicated than focused on yourself
and your self-consciousness;
4331. As you
act, so you become. As you change your
body language, so you become;
4332. It
(really) sucks running out of data only halfway through your monthly plan;
4333. The
“Mayflower Hotel” in D.C. is owned by Marriott (International);
4334. It’s
pretty annoying not having water (especially if you’ve just worked out and want
to take a shower);
4335. The
enmeshing “nice guy” makes his partner his emotional center. His world revolves around her. She is more important than his work, his
buddies and his hobbies. He will do
whatever it takes to make her happy. He
will give her gifts, try to fix her problems and arrange his schedule to be
with her. He will gladly sacrifice his
wants and needs to win her love. He will
even tolerate her bad moods, rage attacks, addictions and emotional or sexual
unavailability – all because he “loves her so much.” They are like little dogs who hover beneath
the table just in case a scrap happens to fall their way. Enmeshing nice guys do this same hovering
routine around their partner just in case she happens to drop him a scrap of
sexual interest, a scrap of her time, a scrap of a good mood or a scrap of her
attention. Even though they are settling
for the leftovers that fall from the table, enmeshing nice guys think they are
getting something really good;
4336. On the
surface it may appear that the enmeshing “nice guy” desires and is available
for an intimate relationship, but this is an illusion. The nice guy’s pursuing and enmeshing
behavior is an attempt to hook up an emotional hose to his partner. This hose is used to suck the life out of her
and fill an empty place inside of him.
The nice guy’s partner unconsciously picks up on this agenda and works
like hell to make sure the nice guy can’t get close enough to hook up the hose. Consequently, the nice guy’s partner is often
seen as the one preventing the closeness the nice guy desires;
4337. The
avoiding “nice guy” seems to put his job, hobby, parents and everything else
before his primary relationship. He may
not seem like a nice guy to his partner at all because he is often nice to
everyone else but her. He may volunteer
to work on other people’s cars. He may
spend weekends fixing his mother’s roof.
He may work two or three jobs. He
may coach his children’s sports teams.
Even though he may not follow his partner around and cater to her every
whim, he still operates from a covert contract that since he is a nice guy, his
partner should be available to him, even if he isn’t available to her;
4338. Both
patterns, enmeshing and avoiding, inhibit any real kind of intimacy from occurring. They may help the “nice guy” feel safe, but
they won’t help him feel loved;
4339. It is
human nature to be attracted to what is familiar. Because of this reality, “nice guys” create
adult relationships that mirror the dynamics of their dysfunctional childhood
relationships. If he was abandoned in
childhood, he may choose partners who are unavailable or unfaithful;
4340.
Occasionally, the person the “nice guy” chooses to help him recreate his
childhood relationship patterns isn’t the way he unconsciously needs her to be
when the relationship begins. If this is
the case, he will often help her become what he needs. He may project upon her one or more traits of
his parents. He may act as if she is a
certain way even when she isn’t. His
unconscious dysfunctional needs may literally force his partner to respond in
an equally dysfunctional way;
4341. We tend
to be attracted to people who have some of the worst traits of both of our
parents. Instead of blaming your partner
for your unconscious choice, identify the ways in which s/he helps you recreate
familiar relationship patterns from your childhood;
4342. “Nice
guys” have difficulty getting the love they want because they spend too much
time trying to make bad relationships work;
4343. When healthy
individuals recognize that they have created a relationship that is not a good
fit or that a partner they have chosen lacks the basic qualities they desire,
they move on. Due to their conditioning,
“nice guys” just keep trying harder to get a non-workable situation to work or
get someone to be something they are not.
This tendency frustrates everybody involved;
4344. Even when
“nice guys” do try to end a relationship, they are not very good at it. They frequently do it too late and in
indirect, blaming or deceitful ways.
They typically have to do it several times before it sticks;
4345. There are
no perfect relationships. There are no
perfect partners. Relationships by their
very nature are chaotic, eventful and challenging;
4346. When a
recovering “nice guy” sets boundaries with his partner, it makes her feel
secure. In general, when women feel
secure, they feel loved. She will also
come to know that if her partner will stand up to her, he is also likely to
stand up for her. Setting boundaries
also creates respect. When a nice guy
fails to set boundaries it communicates to his partner that he doesn't really
honor himself, so why should she?
4347. Second
Date Rule: If this behavior had occurred on the second date, would there have
been a third?
4348. Healthy
Male Rule: How would a healthy male handle this situation?
4349. Wounded
people are attracted to wounded people.
When “nice guys” enter a relationship, they frequently choose partners
who look more dysfunctional than they do.
This creates a dangerous illusion that one of them is sicker than the
other. This is a distortion because
healthy people are not attracted to unhealthy people – and vice versa;
4350. If you
have one obviously wounded person in a relationship, you always have two, no
exception;
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