What I've learned since moving to D.C. (some of which should be obvious): 0089

4401.  The past does not equal the future;

4402.  You have to be able to look forward and create what you want even if you’ve never been able to do it before.  This moment is new;

4403.  If you live in the past, your future will be the same way;

4404.  All beliefs carry with them consequences and human behavior is belief driven;

4405.  When you’re talking with someone and you want to deepen the relationship, ask them about their future.  What are they working toward?  What has them excited?  What are their goals?  As they begin answering your questions, focus on listening for both what they are saying and what they are not saying.  The answers you hear (or don’t hear) can tell you what you need to know, which is where the person needs help;

4406.  If nothing comes up or you need more clarification then follow up and ask them what challenges they are facing with achieving their goals.  Ask what is stopping them or slowing them down.  Ask about their obstacles.  Once again, listen carefully and watch for opportunities to learn about them;

4407.  Specifically, as they are talking, listen for two things: 1.  What is their “currency?”  A person’s currency isn’t necessarily money, it’s what is important to them.  If you understand someone’s currency, you can help them by truly building value for them and enhancing the relationship; and 2.  Where do they need support?  This is the most important thing you can know about someone if you want to cultivate powerful relationships.  Once you know what they value and where they need assistance, you can go to work figuring out two things: 1.  Can I personally deliver value or support them in some way?; and 2.  If I can’t create value for them, who do I know that can?  The first one is self-explanatory, but the second question is the more valuable of the two.  You can only help a limited number of people personally, but when you tap into your network, you can exponentially expand the amount of value you can provide;

4408.  Value follows value.  Relationships bring opportunity;

4409.  Mental capital makes you valuable to others, which allows you to build relationship capital.  Relationship capital then helps you to associate with high-quality people who think at a higher level and teach you new things;

4410.  All significant behavior patterns are the sum of many, much smaller behavior patterns.  The most effective way to change a behavior is to change its smallest elements;

4411.  Until a “nice guy” can be sexual with himself without shame, he won’t be able to be sexual with another person without shame;

4412.  Until a “nice guy” is comfortable giving pleasure to himself, he won’t be able to receive pleasure from someone else;

4413.  Until a “nice guy” can take responsibility for his own arousal and pleasure when he is by himself, he won’t be able to take responsibility for his own arousal and pleasure when he is with someone else;

4414.  Until a “nice guy” can be sexual with himself without using pornography or fantasy to distract himself, he won’t be able to have sex with someone else without needing similar things to distract him;

4415.  Fantasy is a form of dissociation, the process of separating one’s body from one’s mind.  When a person fantasizes while being sexual s/he is purposefully and actively leaving her/his body.  Fantasizing during sex makes about as much sense as thinking about a Big Mac while eating a gourmet meal.  About the only thing fantasy accomplishes is to distract a person from her/his shame and fear or cover up the fact that s/he is having bad sex;

4416.  Good sex consists of two people taking full responsibility for meeting their own needs.  It has no goal.  It is free of agendas and expectations.  Rather than being a performance, it is an unfolding of sexual energy.  It is about two people revealing themselves in the most intimate and vulnerable of ways.  Good sex occurs when two people focus on their own pleasure, passion and arousal, and stay connected to those same things in their partner.  All of these dynamics allow good sex to unfold in unpredictable, spontaneous and memorable ways;

4417.  When recovering “nice guys” decide they will no longer settle for anything less than good sex, they begin to take responsibility for doing something different.  They let go of the concept of being a great lover.  They practice being clear and direct.  They choose available partners.  They don’t settle for scraps.  They decide that bad sex is not better than no sex!

4418.  If you don’t want to drink, but look like you are, try (Angostura) bitters and (club) soda;

4419.  The majority of “nice guys” have not lived up to their full abilities or potential.  Since nice guys spend so much time seeking approval, hiding their flaws, playing it safe and doing the opposite of what works, it makes sense that they would typically fall short of being all they can be.  This is perhaps the greatest tragedy wrought by the nice guy syndrome; countless intelligent and talented men wasting their lives and wallowing in the mire of mediocrity;

4420.  Most “nice guys” initially go to counseling to deal with the way their life paradigm is affecting their intimate relationships.  These relationship problems often overshadow the reality that they are equally dissatisfied with their job, career or life direction in general.  The dynamics that keep nice guys stuck in dysfunctional, unsatisfying relationships are often the same dynamics that keep them stuck in dysfunctional and unsatisfying vocations;

4421.  There are numerous reasons why “nice guys” tend to be less than they can be in life, work and career.  These include: 1.  Fear; 2.  Trying to do it right; 3.  Trying to do everything themselves; 4.  Self-sabotage; 5.  A distorted self-image; 6.  Deprivation thinking; and 7.  Staying stuck in familiar, but dysfunctional systems;

4422.  The one common factor at the core of every problem experienced by “nice guys,” it would be fear.  Pretty much everything nice guys do or don’t do is governed by fear.  Their thoughts are funneled through fear-encrusted neurons in their brains.  Their interactions are dictated by the politics of fear;

4423.  “Nice guys” are afraid of making a mistake, afraid of doing it wrong, afraid of failure, afraid of losing it all.  Right alongside these fears of disaster is the paradoxical fear of success.  Nice guys are typically afraid that if they are truly successful: 1.  They will be found out to be frauds; 2.  They won’t be able to live up to people’s expectations; 3.  They will be criticized; 4.  They won’t be able to handle the increased expectations; 5.  They will lose control over their lives; and 6.  They will do something to mess up everything.  Rather than facing these fears, real or imagined, nice guys typically settle for operating at a fraction of their full potential;

4424.  The essence of all life is evolution and change.  In order for this process to occur naturally and completely in an individual, a person has to be willing to let go of control.  Letting go allows the beautiful, serendipitous chaos of creation to resonate through one’s self.  The result is a dynamic, fulfilling life’

4425.  “Nice guys” are obsessed with trying to keep their lives smooth and uneventful.  They do this by trying to “do it right” and following the “rules.”  Unfortunately, this life strategy is the most effective way to put a lid on any creative life energy.  This lid kills their passion and prevents nice guys from living up to their full potential;

4426.  Self-imposed limits that make many “nice guys” dissatisfied, bored or unhappy with their lives and vocation: 1.  Trying to do it right robs nice guys of their creativity and productivity; 2.  Striving for perfection keeps nice guys focused on their imperfections; 3.  Seeking external validation and approval keeps nice guys stuck in mediocrity; 4.  Attempting to hide flaws and mistakes prevents nice guys from taking risks or trying something new; and 5.  Following the rules make nice guys rigid, cautious and fearful;

4427.  As children, “nice guys” did not get their needs met in timely, judicious ways.  Some were neglected, some were used, some were abused and some were abandoned.  All grew up believing that it was a bad or dangerous thing for them to have needs.  All grew up convinced that if they were going to have anything in life, it would be up to them.  Consequently, nice guys are terrible receivers.  They are terrified of asking for help.  They are completely miserable when others try to give it to them. They have difficulty delegating to others;

4428.  Because “nice guys” believe they have to do it all themselves, they rarely live up to their full potential.  Nobody can be good at everything or succeed all on their own.  Nice guys believe they should be able to.  They might be jacks-of-all-trades, but they are typically masters of none.  This childhood conditioning ensures that they will never be all they can be in any area of life;

4429.  Because of their fear of success, “nice guys” are masters of self-sabotage.  They undermine their success by: 1.  Wasting time; 2.  Making excuses; 3.  Not finishing projects; 4.  Caretaking other people; 5.  Having too many projects going at once; 6.  Getting caught up in chaotic relationships; 7.  Procrastinating; and 8.  Not setting boundaries;

4430.  “Nice guys” are typically good at looking just good enough.  But to be really great, to really rise to the top, invites too much unwanted attention and scrutiny.  The bright lights of success threaten to illuminate their self-perceived cracks and flaws.  Consequently, nice guys find many creative ways to make sure they are never too successful.  If they don’t start something, they won’t fail.  If they don’t finish something, they won’t be criticized.  If they have too much going on at once, they won’t have to do any one thing well.  If they have enough good excuses, people won’t expect too much of them;

4431.  When you take away the pain, you take away the drive to change so now change is not a “must” it’s a “should” and so you keep on feeling bad about yourself and never really getting what you deserve;

4432.  If the present is painful, you can always escape to the past.  If the past is painful, you can always make up a future that’s better because no one really knows what the future is;

4433.  Most people live in a world called “no man’s land.”  They’re in a place where they’re not really happy, but they’re not unhappy enough to do anything about it and that’s the worst possible place you can be.  That’s called “being in a rut;”

4434.  Change is never a matter of ability.  It’s always a matter of motivation (i.e., leverage);

4435.  Success without fulfillment is failure;

4436.  Because their needs were not met in a timely, judicious fashion in childhood, “nice guys” developed a distorted view of themselves.  With a naive, immature logic they came to the conclusion that if their needs were not important, neither were they.  This is the basis of their toxic shame.  At their core, all nice guys believe they are not important or good enough;

4437.  As a result of their inability to fix, please or take care of one or more parents, many “nice guys” developed a deep-seated sense of inadequacy.  They believed they should be able to do the job.  Nevertheless, they never could seem to do it right or good enough.  This internalized sense of inadequacy and defectiveness is carried into adulthood.  Some nice guys compensate by trying to do everything right.  They hope that by doing so, no one will ever find out how inadequate they are.  Other nice guys just give up before they try;

4438.  This feeling of inadequacy prevents “nice guys” from making themselves visible, taking chances or trying something new.  It keeps them in the same old rut, never seeing how talented and intelligent they really are.  Everyone around them can see these things, but their distorted childhood lenses won’t let them accurately see their true potential and ability.  The result of this distorted self-image is an emotional and cognitive glass ceiling.  This invisible lid prevents nice guys from being all they can be.  If they do try to rise above it, they bump their heads and tumble down to more familiar territory;

4439.  Not having their needs adequately met in childhood created a belief for “nice guys” that there wasn’t enough of what they needed to go around.  This deprivation experience became the lenses through which they viewed the world.  This paradigm of scarcity and deprivation makes nice guys manipulative and controlling.  It causes them to believe they better hang on to what they’ve got and not take too many chances.  It leads them to resent other people who seem to have what they lack;

4440.  Because of their deprivation thinking, “nice guys” think small.  They don’t believe they deserve to have good things.  They find all kinds of ways to make sure their view of the world is never challenged.  They settle for scraps and think it is all they deserve.  They create all kinds of rationalizations to explain why they will never have what they really desire.  Because of their self-fulfilling beliefs, nice guys rarely live up to their potential or get what they really want in life;

4441.  Two major factors prevent “nice guys” from getting what they want in love.  The first is that they tend to recreate familiar, yet dissatisfying relationships.  They find partners who will help them create the same dysfunctional kinds of relationships they experienced as children.  These men then frequently see themselves as being victims to the dysfunction of their partners.  Nice guys have a difficult time seeing that they were attracted to these people for a reason.  Second, nice guys rarely experience the kind of relationships they want because they are bad enders.  When a healthy person would pack up and move on, nice guys just keep doing more of the same, hoping that something will miraculously change;

4442.  “Nice guys” aren’t much different in their jobs.  They are attracted to careers and work situations that allow them to recreate the dysfunctional roles, relationships and rules of their childhood.  They often see themselves as helpless victims to these situations.  Rarely do they see why they need these systems to be the way they are and that they have the choice to leave;

4443.  Unconsciously recreating familiar family patterns in their jobs and careers keeps “nice guys” stuck and dissatisfied.  While they are perpetuating the dysfunction of their childhood, they rarely do what they really want or rise to the top of their chosen vocation;

4444.  Most folks, “nice guys” included, do not consciously take responsibility for creating the kind of life they want.  Most people just accept where they are and act as if they have little power in shaping an exciting, productive and fulfilling life;

4445.  What one man can do, another man can do.  Think about it; if others have taken charge and created lives worth emulating, so can you.  The only thing stopping you from having the kind of life you really want is you.  It is time to start charting your own path, making your own rules and making your dreams a reality;

4446.  A major reason “nice guys” frequently fail to live up to their potential is that they believe they have to do everything themselves;

4447.  In most situations, “nice guys” aren’t victims to others, they victimize themselves;

4448.  In order to start getting what they want in life, work and career, recovering “nice guys” have to make the conscious decision to get out of their own way.  One way of doing this is by changing the way they think about change.  This begins with nice guys becoming aware of why they unconsciously create so many barriers that keep them feeling stuck.  A mortgage, a wife, a lack of a degree, debt and children are all just excuses.  Making significant life changes doesn’t require chucking all these things.  It means seeing them for what they really are, excuses, and taking small steps in the direction one wants to be going;

4449.  Due to their early life experiences, “nice guys” tend to be ruled by deprivation thinking.  They believe there is only so much to go around and if someone else already has a lot, there is less for them;

4450.  “Nice guys” have a difficult time comprehending that we live in an abundant, ever-expanding universe.  They tend to see the goodies as being in short supply.  They hang on tightly to what they’ve got, fearing there won’t be more when it is gone.  They believe they have to control and manipulate to ensure that what little is out there won’t go away.  They play it safe not trusting that their needs will always be abundantly met;

What I've learned since moving to D.C. (some of which should be obvious): 0088

4351.  I (think I) have male “resting bitch face” (i.e., “R.B.F.”);

4352.  Why do I feel pissed (off) for being shamed (by a total stranger) into standing for the National Anthem?  (I think) it’s probably because (of insecurity that) I want people to think I’m a good person and her glaring disapproval made me feel otherwise.  (Deep down) I know I was wrong, I just didn’t like being called out on it;

4353.  Parents don’t like it when you talk about (sex) orgies on cruise ships when they’re sitting in the row in front of you with their kids at the circus;

4354.  Most dogs that behave badly have been conditioned to do so by ignorant or inconsistent owners;

4355.  In many ways, humans aren’t much different from pets.  People often behave the way they have been trained to behave.  For example, if a person gives his dog a treat when he pees on the carpet, the dog will keep peeing on the carpet.  The same is true for humans.  If the “nice guy” reinforces his partner’s undesirable behaviors, she will keep behaving in undesirable ways;

4356.  In dog obedience school, if you want an undesirable behavior to go away, you stop paying attention to it.  The same is true in relationships;

4357.  When applying for a job, your focus should be on the person or company that you want to start paying you.  More specifically: 1.  What basic qualifications is this employer looking for?  If I’m being honest with myself, do I meet these basic qualifications?; 2.  Why does this employer need someone in this position?; 3.  What problem(s) are they trying to solve with who they hire for this role?; and 4.  What specific qualities or experiences have I had that can solve the employer’s problem in a unique and effective way?  If you can answer these questions honestly, you will stop wasting your time applying for positions that are not a good fit.  Your résumé will jump out at the employer as someone who understands what they’re looking for;

4358.  If you can articulate someone’s problem better than they can, they will automatically assume you have the answer;

4359.  A lot of the time, an employer is ultimately trying to solve one of two problems when hiring: 1.  How does our company make more money?; or 2.  How does our company save more money?

4360.  Dr. John Gottman has spent decades studying interaction between couples.  He’s amassed so much data that he can sit down with any couple, and within a few minutes of watching them converse, predict with 94 percent accuracy which couples will later divorce.  He took his mathematical formulations even further to discover a magic ratio which he uses in his predictions.  He discovered that couples who maintain a ratio of five positive interactions to each negative interaction have relationships that last.  Marriages that fall below a five-to-one ratio usually fail;

4361.  If you were to reward your most important clients, what would you do?  How much effort would you be willing to put into it?  How about spending that time, energy and attention on your wife/marriage?

4362.  If you make sure to treat your spouse as good as or better than you treat your customers, it will be easier to maintain a healthy five-to-one ratio of positive and negative interactions.  And it will be easier to have a long, happy marriage;

4363.  Quality questions create a quality life.  Successful people ask better questions, and as a result, they get better answers;

4364.  I think it’s true that everyone is perfect (the way they are) in that everyone has the ability (in themselves) to succeed and be an ideal version of themselves, but that doesn’t mean that they’re there yet and that it won’t take self-improvement, hard work and determination to get there;

4365.  Apparently, “Gigi” Hadid was born on April 23^rd;

4366.  The choices we make today lead to the opportunities we have tomorrow;

4367.  Multiple new studies of consumer buying habits and behavior find that spending on yourself alone is seldom as satisfying over the long-term as sharing with others, and better still, giving selflessly;

4368.  Elizabeth Dunn and Michael Norton, authors of “Happy Money: The Science of Smarter Spending,” conducted one experiment in which they handed out Starbucks gift cards on a university campus.  Some students were instructed to buy treats for themselves.  Another group was asked to pass their gift cards on.  A third group was asked to purchase something for a stranger and to spend time with that stranger at Starbucks.  When Dunn and Norton followed up, they found the happiest gift card recipients were those students who treated a stranger and then shared in the experience;

4369.  Perhaps more relevant to all of us, Dunn and Norton report that consistently using available funds to purchase experiences, such as trips, concerts and special meals that are shared with family or friends, always produces longer-lasting satisfaction than buying material goods for ourselves alone.  An added benefit of such social spending is that it often draws us closer to those with whom we share the special experiences;

4370.  People who are grateful are likely to be happier, hopeful and energetic, and they possess positive emotions more frequently.  Individuals also tend to be more spiritual or religious, forgiving, empathetic and helpful, while being less depressed, envious or neurotic;

4371.  One simple way to cultivate gratitude is to literally count your blessings.  Keep a journal and regularly record whatever you are grateful for that day.  Be specific.  Listing “my friends, my school, my dog” day after day means that “gratitude fatigue” has set in.  Writing “my dog licked my face when I was sad” keeps it fresher.  The real benefit comes in changing how you experience the world.  Look for things to be grateful for and you’ll start seeing them everywhere;

4372.  Living wealthy can be achieved not by doing anything differently, but by simply appreciating what we already have;

4373.  Happiness must be in the journey if there’s even a chance for it to be in the destination;

4374.  Live deliberately and make good decisions today to unleash your happiness;

4375.  A number of traits to consciously look for when creating new romantic relationships (in no particular order): 1.  Passion; 2.  Integrity; 3.  Happiness; 4.  Intelligence; 5.  Sexual assertiveness; 6.  Financial responsibility; and 7.  Commitment to personal growth.  “Nice guys” have a strong tendency to try to do everything “right.”  This list isn’t meant as a magic formula.  There are no perfect people and no perfect relationships.  But by consciously looking for the traits listed above in a prospective partner, nice guys can save themselves a lot of grief and improve their chances of actually finding what they are looking for;

4376.  Women consistently say that even though they may be initially drawn to a “nice guy’s” pleasing demeanor, over time they find it difficult to get excited about having sex with him.  Often the partner feels defective, but it is really not her fault.  There is just very little about the nice guy persona to flip a switch or arouse a prospective partner.  Once again, by doing the opposite of what works, nice guys prevent themselves from getting the sex they want;

4377.  There’s not much nightlife in Havre de Grace, Maryland;

4378.  (I can say) I’ve met (former University of Virginia basketball player) Jason Clark (at Jamie & Ty’s wedding);

4379.  Life is not linear.  Neither should the pathways of getting started;

4380.  As recently as the 1970s, a teenager had a number of options after graduating from high school: get a good-paying job right away, enlist in the military, find an apprenticeship in a trade or go to college.  A teenager today really has only two of those options still available; the military or college.  Fewer than 1 percent of Americans serve in the military, so most go to college right after high school.  Many of them are simply not ready for college or need a break from the intensity of school;

4381.  The greatest damage rejection causes is usually self-inflicted.  Indeed, our natural response to being dumped by a dating partner or getting picked last for a team is not just to lick our wounds but to become intensely self-critical.  We call ourselves names, lament our shortcomings and feel disgusted with ourselves.  In other words, just when our self-esteem is hurting most, we go and damage it even further.  Doing so is emotionally unhealthy and psychologically self-destructive yet every single one of us has done it at one time or another;

4382.  Most rejections, whether romantic, professional, and even social, are due to “fit” and circumstance.  Going through an exhaustive search of your own deficiencies in an effort to understand why it didn’t “work out” is not only unnecessarily, but misleading;

4383.  When your self-esteem takes a hit it’s important to remind yourself of what you have to offer (as opposed to listing your shortcomings).  The best way to boost feelings of self-worth after a rejection is to affirm aspects of yourself you know are valuable.  Make a list of five qualities you have that are important or meaningful – things that make you a good relationship prospect (e.g., you are supportive or emotionally available), a good friend (e.g., you are loyal or a good listener) or a good employee (e.g., you are responsible or have a strong work ethic).  Then choose one of them and write a quick paragraph or two (write, don’t just do it in your head) about why the quality matters to others and how you would express it in the relevant situation.  Applying emotional first aid in this way will boost your self-esteem, reduce your emotional pain and build your confidence going forward;

4384.  As social animals, we need to feel wanted and valued by the various social groups with which we are affiliated.  Rejection destabilizes our need to belong, leaving us feeling unsettled and socially untethered.  Therefore, we need to remind ourselves that we’re appreciated and loved so we can feel more connected and grounded.  If your work colleagues didn’t invite you to lunch, grab a drink with members of your softball team instead.  If your kid gets rejected by a friend, make a plan for them to meet a different friend instead and as soon as possible.  And when a first date doesn’t return your texts, call your grandparents and remind yourself that your voice alone brings joy to others;

4385.  Emotion is created by motion;

4386.  Who you surround yourself with, who you associate to is who you will become;

4387.  The point in which change happens is a decision.  Every change in your life that you want will come from something simple, a decision;

4388.  Nothing in life has any meaning except the meaning you give it;

4389.  You can’t control all events, but you can always control what things mean.  When you control the meaning of something, you control the key and the secret to life itself at least the quality of life you want;

4390.  Massive action can be a cure-all when you know what you’re after and you know why you want it;

4391.  The number one fear people have is failure.  The reason is that if they feel that they fail, they won’t be loved.  They’ll be rejected.  They’ll be hurt.  They’ll be judged.  So what they’re really afraid is losing love.  And they think this failure will lead to that rejection or loss of love;

4392.  The truth of the matter is you can’t fail unless you don’t try.  If you try something and it doesn’t work, you just learn from it and it’ll make you better the next time you go about it;

4393.  Know what you’re getting;

4394.  You need to have sensory acuity.  Sensory acuity is the idea that you want to become acutely sensitive to whether what you’re doing is working or not;

4395.  Sensory acuity is really the measure of a person’s intelligence.

4396.  If you’ve tried everything, you’d have what you want;

4397.  Whatever you perceive, will be true for you;

4398.  The first belief you must have to have lasting change is that change is a “must” and not a “should;”

4399.  Should never happens.  “Should” you do when it’s convenient.  Should is not consistent;

4400.  It must change and I must change it.  I can change it;

What I've learned since moving to D.C. (some of which should be obvious): 0087

4301.  The American Bar Association reports that 89 percent of all divorces could be traced to fights over money;

4302.  A study performed by Utah State University professor Jeffrey Dew found that couples who reported disagreeing about finances once a week were over 30 percent more likely to get divorced than couples who reported disagreeing about finances a few times a month;

4303.  The study reported that of all the most common things couples fight about – including chores, in-laws, spending time together and money – money disputes were the best harbingers of divorce;

4304.  Even though “nice guys” often profess a deep desire to be intimately connected with another individual, their internalized toxic shame and childhood survival mechanisms make such connections difficult and problematic;

4305.  Intimacy (i.e., knowing the self, being known by another and knowing another) implies vulnerability.  Intimacy requires two people who are willing to courageously look inward and make themselves totally visible to another.  Internalized toxic shame makes this kind of exposure feel life-threatening for “nice guys;”

4306.  Intimacy, by its nature, would require the “nice guy” to look into the abyss of his most inner self and allow others to peer into these same places.  It would require him to let someone get close enough to see into all the nooks and crannies of his soul.  This terrifies nice guys because being known means being found out.  All nice guys have worked their entire lives to become what they believe others want them to be while trying to hide their perceived flaws.  The demands of intimacy represent everything nice guys fear most;

4307.  The “nice guy’s” ongoing attempt to hide his perceived badness makes intimacy a challenge.  The moment they enter a relationship they begin a balancing act.  In relationships, a life-and-death struggle is played out to balance their fear of vulnerability with their fear of isolation.  Vulnerability means someone may get too close to them and see how bad they are.  Nice guys are convinced that when others make this discovery, these people will hurt them, shame them or leave them.  The alternative doesn’t seem any better.  Isolating themselves from others recreates the abandonment experiences that were so terrifying in childhood;

4308.  Even though it may look like many of the problems “nice guys” experience in relationships are caused by the baggage their partner brings with them, this is not the case.  It is the relationship the he and his partner co-create that is the problem;

4309.  It is true that “nice guys” often pick partners who appear to be projects, and indeed, they do at times pick some pretty messed up people.  The fact that these partners may have challenges – they are single moms, they have financial problems, they are angry, addictive, depressed, overweight, non-sexual or unable to be faithful – is precisely the reason nice guys invite these people into their lives.  As long as attention is focused on the flaws of the partner, it is diverted away from the internalized toxic shame of the nice guy.  This balancing act ensures that his closest relationship will most likely be his least intimate;

4310.  How do you know you’re getting old?  The answer is: White underarm hair;

4311.  Invest in yourself.  Imagine that you had a car and that was the only car you’d have for your entire lifetime.  Of course, you’d care for it well, changing the oil more frequently than necessary, driving carefully, etc.  Now, consider that you only have one mind and one body.  Prepare them for life, care for them.  You can enhance your mind over time.  A person’s main asset is themselves, so preserve and enhance yourself;

4312.  Learn to be lovable.  The most powerful force in the world is unconditional love.  To horde it is a terrible mistake in life.  The more you try to give it away, the more you get it back.  At an individual level, it’s important to make sure that for the people that count to you, you count to them;

4313.  Forget the Joneses.  You shouldn’t increase your cost of living without improving your standard of living;

4314.  Sometimes spending is OK, too.  There are benefits to spending now.  It is not always better to save 10% than 5%, but definitely better than spending 105%;

4315.  You are not a better or worse person if you live differently from your neighbor;

4316.  Don’t spoil your kids.  Give your kids enough so they can do anything, but not so much that they can do nothing;

4317.  Communication is one of the greatest skills you can learn;

4318.  Look at everyone else’s mistakes – and don’t repeat them.  The best thing is to learn from other guy’s mistakes.  General George S. Patton used to say, “It’s an honor to die for your country; make sure the other guy gets the honor;”

4319.  Don’t follow the pack.  You need to divorce your mind from the crowd.  The herd mentality causes all IQ’s to become paralyzed.  Smart doesn’t always equal rational.  To be a successful investor you must divorce yourself from the fears and greed of the people around you, although it is almost impossible;

4320.  Know what you don’t know.  There is nothing wrong with a “know nothing” investor who realizes it.  The problem is when you are a “know nothing” investor, but you think you know something;

4321.  The only person that is hurt when you harbor resentment is yourself.  The person who you think wronged you, continues on with their life, often none the wiser.  So you have to stop hurting yourself and move forward with a positive attitude;

4322.  Luck may play a role in life’s outcomes or some of them at least, but achievement is far more frequently a result of effort, a consistent, daily investment of self.  Life and success are about more than hanging in there – they are about bringing your best fight to the fight, every time;

4323.  Multiple studies have proved that companies that show up in lists like Fortune’s “100 Best Companies to Work For” financially outperform those that don’t;

4324.  When all that you have been defined by ceases to be and you still know who you are and like what you know – then you have truthfully succeeded;

4325.  True success can only be attained when everyone involved wins and there are no losers in any way;

4326.  You may think no one is looking at your feet, but the correct stance can demonstrate confidence.  Standing with your feet too close together can make you appear timid;

4327.  As a general rule of thumb, aim for a stance that’s in line with your hips and shoulders.  You want to have your feet about a foot apart, pointing outward;

4328.  Angling your feet outward and in the direction of the person you’re speaking with shows interest, trust and receptiveness, while a closed stance can convey disinterest;

4329.  Strong eye contact is probably the single greatest indicator of confidence.  If this is something you struggle with, try looking at the other person’s eyes for two seconds, looking at their nose for two seconds, looking at their mouth for two seconds and then looking at their face as a whole for two seconds.  Continue this rotation throughout your conversation;

4330.  The best piece of advice for people who want to appear more confident is to focus on the people they’re engaged with rather than worrying about how others perceive them.  The bottom line is be interested, not interesting.  Be more focused on the other person and what message is being communicated than focused on yourself and your self-consciousness;

4331.  As you act, so you become.  As you change your body language, so you become;

4332.  It (really) sucks running out of data only halfway through your monthly plan;

4333.  The “Mayflower Hotel” in D.C. is owned by Marriott (International);

4334.  It’s pretty annoying not having water (especially if you’ve just worked out and want to take a shower);

4335.  The enmeshing “nice guy” makes his partner his emotional center.  His world revolves around her.  She is more important than his work, his buddies and his hobbies.  He will do whatever it takes to make her happy.  He will give her gifts, try to fix her problems and arrange his schedule to be with her.  He will gladly sacrifice his wants and needs to win her love.  He will even tolerate her bad moods, rage attacks, addictions and emotional or sexual unavailability – all because he “loves her so much.”  They are like little dogs who hover beneath the table just in case a scrap happens to fall their way.  Enmeshing nice guys do this same hovering routine around their partner just in case she happens to drop him a scrap of sexual interest, a scrap of her time, a scrap of a good mood or a scrap of her attention.  Even though they are settling for the leftovers that fall from the table, enmeshing nice guys think they are getting something really good;

4336.  On the surface it may appear that the enmeshing “nice guy” desires and is available for an intimate relationship, but this is an illusion.  The nice guy’s pursuing and enmeshing behavior is an attempt to hook up an emotional hose to his partner.  This hose is used to suck the life out of her and fill an empty place inside of him.  The nice guy’s partner unconsciously picks up on this agenda and works like hell to make sure the nice guy can’t get close enough to hook up the hose.  Consequently, the nice guy’s partner is often seen as the one preventing the closeness the nice guy desires;

4337.  The avoiding “nice guy” seems to put his job, hobby, parents and everything else before his primary relationship.  He may not seem like a nice guy to his partner at all because he is often nice to everyone else but her.  He may volunteer to work on other people’s cars.  He may spend weekends fixing his mother’s roof.  He may work two or three jobs.  He may coach his children’s sports teams.  Even though he may not follow his partner around and cater to her every whim, he still operates from a covert contract that since he is a nice guy, his partner should be available to him, even if he isn’t available to her;

4338.  Both patterns, enmeshing and avoiding, inhibit any real kind of intimacy from occurring.  They may help the “nice guy” feel safe, but they won’t help him feel loved;

4339.  It is human nature to be attracted to what is familiar.  Because of this reality, “nice guys” create adult relationships that mirror the dynamics of their dysfunctional childhood relationships.  If he was abandoned in childhood, he may choose partners who are unavailable or unfaithful;

4340.  Occasionally, the person the “nice guy” chooses to help him recreate his childhood relationship patterns isn’t the way he unconsciously needs her to be when the relationship begins.  If this is the case, he will often help her become what he needs.  He may project upon her one or more traits of his parents.  He may act as if she is a certain way even when she isn’t.  His unconscious dysfunctional needs may literally force his partner to respond in an equally dysfunctional way;

4341.  We tend to be attracted to people who have some of the worst traits of both of our parents.  Instead of blaming your partner for your unconscious choice, identify the ways in which s/he helps you recreate familiar relationship patterns from your childhood;

4342.  “Nice guys” have difficulty getting the love they want because they spend too much time trying to make bad relationships work;

4343.  When healthy individuals recognize that they have created a relationship that is not a good fit or that a partner they have chosen lacks the basic qualities they desire, they move on.  Due to their conditioning, “nice guys” just keep trying harder to get a non-workable situation to work or get someone to be something they are not.  This tendency frustrates everybody involved;

4344.  Even when “nice guys” do try to end a relationship, they are not very good at it.  They frequently do it too late and in indirect, blaming or deceitful ways.  They typically have to do it several times before it sticks;

4345.  There are no perfect relationships.  There are no perfect partners.  Relationships by their very nature are chaotic, eventful and challenging;

4346.  When a recovering “nice guy” sets boundaries with his partner, it makes her feel secure.  In general, when women feel secure, they feel loved.  She will also come to know that if her partner will stand up to her, he is also likely to stand up for her.  Setting boundaries also creates respect.  When a nice guy fails to set boundaries it communicates to his partner that he doesn't really honor himself, so why should she?

4347.  Second Date Rule: If this behavior had occurred on the second date, would there have been a third?

4348.  Healthy Male Rule: How would a healthy male handle this situation?

4349.  Wounded people are attracted to wounded people.  When “nice guys” enter a relationship, they frequently choose partners who look more dysfunctional than they do.  This creates a dangerous illusion that one of them is sicker than the other.  This is a distortion because healthy people are not attracted to unhealthy people – and vice versa;

4350.  If you have one obviously wounded person in a relationship, you always have two, no exception;