Sunday, May 29, 2016

What I've learned since moving to D.C. (some of which should be obvious): 0089

4401.  The past does not equal the future;
4402.  You have to be able to look forward and create what you want even if you’ve never been able to do it before.  This moment is new;
4403.  If you live in the past, your future will be the same way;
4404.  All beliefs carry with them consequences and human behavior is belief driven;
4405.  When you’re talking with someone and you want to deepen the relationship, ask them about their future.  What are they working toward?  What has them excited?  What are their goals?  As they begin answering your questions, focus on listening for both what they are saying and what they are not saying.  The answers you hear (or don’t hear) can tell you what you need to know, which is where the person needs help;
4406.  If nothing comes up or you need more clarification then follow up and ask them what challenges they are facing with achieving their goals.  Ask what is stopping them or slowing them down.  Ask about their obstacles.  Once again, listen carefully and watch for opportunities to learn about them;
4407.  Specifically, as they are talking, listen for two things: 1.  What is their “currency?”  A person’s currency isn’t necessarily money, it’s what is important to them.  If you understand someone’s currency, you can help them by truly building value for them and enhancing the relationship; and 2.  Where do they need support?  This is the most important thing you can know about someone if you want to cultivate powerful relationships.  Once you know what they value and where they need assistance, you can go to work figuring out two things: 1.  Can I personally deliver value or support them in some way?; and 2.  If I can’t create value for them, who do I know that can?  The first one is self-explanatory, but the second question is the more valuable of the two.  You can only help a limited number of people personally, but when you tap into your network, you can exponentially expand the amount of value you can provide;
4408.  Value follows value.  Relationships bring opportunity;
4409.  Mental capital makes you valuable to others, which allows you to build relationship capital.  Relationship capital then helps you to associate with high-quality people who think at a higher level and teach you new things;
4410.  All significant behavior patterns are the sum of many, much smaller behavior patterns.  The most effective way to change a behavior is to change its smallest elements;
4411.  Until a “nice guy” can be sexual with himself without shame, he won’t be able to be sexual with another person without shame;
4412.  Until a “nice guy” is comfortable giving pleasure to himself, he won’t be able to receive pleasure from someone else;
4413.  Until a “nice guy” can take responsibility for his own arousal and pleasure when he is by himself, he won’t be able to take responsibility for his own arousal and pleasure when he is with someone else;
4414.  Until a “nice guy” can be sexual with himself without using pornography or fantasy to distract himself, he won’t be able to have sex with someone else without needing similar things to distract him;
4415.  Fantasy is a form of dissociation, the process of separating one’s body from one’s mind.  When a person fantasizes while being sexual s/he is purposefully and actively leaving her/his body.  Fantasizing during sex makes about as much sense as thinking about a Big Mac while eating a gourmet meal.  About the only thing fantasy accomplishes is to distract a person from her/his shame and fear or cover up the fact that s/he is having bad sex;
4416.  Good sex consists of two people taking full responsibility for meeting their own needs.  It has no goal.  It is free of agendas and expectations.  Rather than being a performance, it is an unfolding of sexual energy.  It is about two people revealing themselves in the most intimate and vulnerable of ways.  Good sex occurs when two people focus on their own pleasure, passion and arousal, and stay connected to those same things in their partner.  All of these dynamics allow good sex to unfold in unpredictable, spontaneous and memorable ways;
4417.  When recovering “nice guys” decide they will no longer settle for anything less than good sex, they begin to take responsibility for doing something different.  They let go of the concept of being a great lover.  They practice being clear and direct.  They choose available partners.  They don’t settle for scraps.  They decide that bad sex is not better than no sex!
4418.  If you don’t want to drink, but look like you are, try (Angostura) bitters and (club) soda;
4419.  The majority of “nice guys” have not lived up to their full abilities or potential.  Since nice guys spend so much time seeking approval, hiding their flaws, playing it safe and doing the opposite of what works, it makes sense that they would typically fall short of being all they can be.  This is perhaps the greatest tragedy wrought by the nice guy syndrome; countless intelligent and talented men wasting their lives and wallowing in the mire of mediocrity;
4420.  Most “nice guys” initially go to counseling to deal with the way their life paradigm is affecting their intimate relationships.  These relationship problems often overshadow the reality that they are equally dissatisfied with their job, career or life direction in general.  The dynamics that keep nice guys stuck in dysfunctional, unsatisfying relationships are often the same dynamics that keep them stuck in dysfunctional and unsatisfying vocations;
4421.  There are numerous reasons why “nice guys” tend to be less than they can be in life, work and career.  These include: 1.  Fear; 2.  Trying to do it right; 3.  Trying to do everything themselves; 4.  Self-sabotage; 5.  A distorted self-image; 6.  Deprivation thinking; and 7.  Staying stuck in familiar, but dysfunctional systems;
4422.  The one common factor at the core of every problem experienced by “nice guys,” it would be fear.  Pretty much everything nice guys do or don’t do is governed by fear.  Their thoughts are funneled through fear-encrusted neurons in their brains.  Their interactions are dictated by the politics of fear;
4423.  “Nice guys” are afraid of making a mistake, afraid of doing it wrong, afraid of failure, afraid of losing it all.  Right alongside these fears of disaster is the paradoxical fear of success.  Nice guys are typically afraid that if they are truly successful: 1.  They will be found out to be frauds; 2.  They won’t be able to live up to people’s expectations; 3.  They will be criticized; 4.  They won’t be able to handle the increased expectations; 5.  They will lose control over their lives; and 6.  They will do something to mess up everything.  Rather than facing these fears, real or imagined, nice guys typically settle for operating at a fraction of their full potential;
4424.  The essence of all life is evolution and change.  In order for this process to occur naturally and completely in an individual, a person has to be willing to let go of control.  Letting go allows the beautiful, serendipitous chaos of creation to resonate through one’s self.  The result is a dynamic, fulfilling life’
4425.  “Nice guys” are obsessed with trying to keep their lives smooth and uneventful.  They do this by trying to “do it right” and following the “rules.”  Unfortunately, this life strategy is the most effective way to put a lid on any creative life energy.  This lid kills their passion and prevents nice guys from living up to their full potential;
4426.  Self-imposed limits that make many “nice guys” dissatisfied, bored or unhappy with their lives and vocation: 1.  Trying to do it right robs nice guys of their creativity and productivity; 2.  Striving for perfection keeps nice guys focused on their imperfections; 3.  Seeking external validation and approval keeps nice guys stuck in mediocrity; 4.  Attempting to hide flaws and mistakes prevents nice guys from taking risks or trying something new; and 5.  Following the rules make nice guys rigid, cautious and fearful;
4427.  As children, “nice guys” did not get their needs met in timely, judicious ways.  Some were neglected, some were used, some were abused and some were abandoned.  All grew up believing that it was a bad or dangerous thing for them to have needs.  All grew up convinced that if they were going to have anything in life, it would be up to them.  Consequently, nice guys are terrible receivers.  They are terrified of asking for help.  They are completely miserable when others try to give it to them. They have difficulty delegating to others;
4428.  Because “nice guys” believe they have to do it all themselves, they rarely live up to their full potential.  Nobody can be good at everything or succeed all on their own.  Nice guys believe they should be able to.  They might be jacks-of-all-trades, but they are typically masters of none.  This childhood conditioning ensures that they will never be all they can be in any area of life;
4429.  Because of their fear of success, “nice guys” are masters of self-sabotage.  They undermine their success by: 1.  Wasting time; 2.  Making excuses; 3.  Not finishing projects; 4.  Caretaking other people; 5.  Having too many projects going at once; 6.  Getting caught up in chaotic relationships; 7.  Procrastinating; and 8.  Not setting boundaries;
4430.  “Nice guys” are typically good at looking just good enough.  But to be really great, to really rise to the top, invites too much unwanted attention and scrutiny.  The bright lights of success threaten to illuminate their self-perceived cracks and flaws.  Consequently, nice guys find many creative ways to make sure they are never too successful.  If they don’t start something, they won’t fail.  If they don’t finish something, they won’t be criticized.  If they have too much going on at once, they won’t have to do any one thing well.  If they have enough good excuses, people won’t expect too much of them;
4431.  When you take away the pain, you take away the drive to change so now change is not a “must” it’s a “should” and so you keep on feeling bad about yourself and never really getting what you deserve;
4432.  If the present is painful, you can always escape to the past.  If the past is painful, you can always make up a future that’s better because no one really knows what the future is;
4433.  Most people live in a world called “no man’s land.”  They’re in a place where they’re not really happy, but they’re not unhappy enough to do anything about it and that’s the worst possible place you can be.  That’s called “being in a rut;”
4434.  Change is never a matter of ability.  It’s always a matter of motivation (i.e., leverage);
4435.  Success without fulfillment is failure;
4436.  Because their needs were not met in a timely, judicious fashion in childhood, “nice guys” developed a distorted view of themselves.  With a naive, immature logic they came to the conclusion that if their needs were not important, neither were they.  This is the basis of their toxic shame.  At their core, all nice guys believe they are not important or good enough;
4437.  As a result of their inability to fix, please or take care of one or more parents, many “nice guys” developed a deep-seated sense of inadequacy.  They believed they should be able to do the job.  Nevertheless, they never could seem to do it right or good enough.  This internalized sense of inadequacy and defectiveness is carried into adulthood.  Some nice guys compensate by trying to do everything right.  They hope that by doing so, no one will ever find out how inadequate they are.  Other nice guys just give up before they try;
4438.  This feeling of inadequacy prevents “nice guys” from making themselves visible, taking chances or trying something new.  It keeps them in the same old rut, never seeing how talented and intelligent they really are.  Everyone around them can see these things, but their distorted childhood lenses won’t let them accurately see their true potential and ability.  The result of this distorted self-image is an emotional and cognitive glass ceiling.  This invisible lid prevents nice guys from being all they can be.  If they do try to rise above it, they bump their heads and tumble down to more familiar territory;
4439.  Not having their needs adequately met in childhood created a belief for “nice guys” that there wasn’t enough of what they needed to go around.  This deprivation experience became the lenses through which they viewed the world.  This paradigm of scarcity and deprivation makes nice guys manipulative and controlling.  It causes them to believe they better hang on to what they’ve got and not take too many chances.  It leads them to resent other people who seem to have what they lack;
4440.  Because of their deprivation thinking, “nice guys” think small.  They don’t believe they deserve to have good things.  They find all kinds of ways to make sure their view of the world is never challenged.  They settle for scraps and think it is all they deserve.  They create all kinds of rationalizations to explain why they will never have what they really desire.  Because of their self-fulfilling beliefs, nice guys rarely live up to their potential or get what they really want in life;
4441.  Two major factors prevent “nice guys” from getting what they want in love.  The first is that they tend to recreate familiar, yet dissatisfying relationships.  They find partners who will help them create the same dysfunctional kinds of relationships they experienced as children.  These men then frequently see themselves as being victims to the dysfunction of their partners.  Nice guys have a difficult time seeing that they were attracted to these people for a reason.  Second, nice guys rarely experience the kind of relationships they want because they are bad enders.  When a healthy person would pack up and move on, nice guys just keep doing more of the same, hoping that something will miraculously change;
4442.  “Nice guys” aren’t much different in their jobs.  They are attracted to careers and work situations that allow them to recreate the dysfunctional roles, relationships and rules of their childhood.  They often see themselves as helpless victims to these situations.  Rarely do they see why they need these systems to be the way they are and that they have the choice to leave;
4443.  Unconsciously recreating familiar family patterns in their jobs and careers keeps “nice guys” stuck and dissatisfied.  While they are perpetuating the dysfunction of their childhood, they rarely do what they really want or rise to the top of their chosen vocation;
4444.  Most folks, “nice guys” included, do not consciously take responsibility for creating the kind of life they want.  Most people just accept where they are and act as if they have little power in shaping an exciting, productive and fulfilling life;
4445.  What one man can do, another man can do.  Think about it; if others have taken charge and created lives worth emulating, so can you.  The only thing stopping you from having the kind of life you really want is you.  It is time to start charting your own path, making your own rules and making your dreams a reality;
4446.  A major reason “nice guys” frequently fail to live up to their potential is that they believe they have to do everything themselves;
4447.  In most situations, “nice guys” aren’t victims to others, they victimize themselves;
4448.  In order to start getting what they want in life, work and career, recovering “nice guys” have to make the conscious decision to get out of their own way.  One way of doing this is by changing the way they think about change.  This begins with nice guys becoming aware of why they unconsciously create so many barriers that keep them feeling stuck.  A mortgage, a wife, a lack of a degree, debt and children are all just excuses.  Making significant life changes doesn’t require chucking all these things.  It means seeing them for what they really are, excuses, and taking small steps in the direction one wants to be going;
4449.  Due to their early life experiences, “nice guys” tend to be ruled by deprivation thinking.  They believe there is only so much to go around and if someone else already has a lot, there is less for them;
4450.  “Nice guys” have a difficult time comprehending that we live in an abundant, ever-expanding universe.  They tend to see the goodies as being in short supply.  They hang on tightly to what they’ve got, fearing there won’t be more when it is gone.  They believe they have to control and manipulate to ensure that what little is out there won’t go away.  They play it safe not trusting that their needs will always be abundantly met;

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